


yesterday was years ago

by DangerousLiaisons



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Cute, Depression, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Husbands, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:09:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29668467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangerousLiaisons/pseuds/DangerousLiaisons
Summary: sometimes healing is hardbut always, it’s easier with steve
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	yesterday was years ago

**Author's Note:**

> just a short lil thing about bucky trying to get better  
> my favorite pairing i love them so much 🥺

Bucky feels groggy.

It came with a thought. A simple mention of the past that flew into his head one day and refused to fly back out. It festered until it became clear that it wasn’t going to leave. And the grogginess was staying with it.

“I feel like I’m not who I want to be,” the White Wolf said one night.

“You’re exactly who you need to be,” a sleepy Steve replied before nodding off for the night, his arms tight around his husband.

But Bucky hasn’t been able to shake the feeling. There’s something missing from himself. Something he's not seeing.

Steve decides they need to get out of the house, that maybe some hiking will help clear Bucky’s head. But as they climb up a mountain just outside Wakanda, the soldier doesn’t feel any clarity at all.

The sight that surrounds them is every shade of green Bucky’s ever seen, and then some. Dark blue water cascades in rivers and waterfalls, peaking out every so often. A flock of birds takes off from the treetops.

They glide so freely that it makes Bucky dizzy. He puts his arm around Steve’s waist and pulls him close.

“It’s so beautiful,” Steve hums.

But Bucky can’t take his eyes off the birds that disappear into the distance, towards a storm so far away it looks harmless. He wonders if they could fly so far they’d reach a different dimension. One from years ago, when Bucky was different. One from the 1940s. One from yesterday.

“I feel foggy,” Bucky says. “I don’t know what’s going on, Steve. I can’t shake this feeling that I need to be a better person.”

For a moment, Steve doesn’t say anything. His smile fades and he looks into the distance at a cloud of mist that shimmers into the air after a plummeting drop down a thundering waterfall. His brows furrow, like if he ponders hard enough, he could solve all the world’s problems.

“Like you need to be who you were in the 40s?” Steve finally asks. 

Bucky nods. 

“Even the person I was yesterday. I feel…” he sighs and looks away from Steve, back at the forest. “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. We’re married, we have the quiet life I always wanted. Everything is perfect.”

The birds are gone and the wind blows slightly enough to give Bucky a chill. 

“You can tell me whatever you’re thinking, Buck. You know that,” Steve says in his deep, soft voice that’s helped Bucky heal for decades. “It’s okay if you do know but don’t have the words.”

Bucky laughs halfheartedly through his nose. “You know me too well, Steve Rogers.”

“You’re my man,” Steve says surely, his hand lifting Bucky’s chin to meet his gaze. They hug as the wind blows and birds call out to one another.

“How do I make up for everything I did?” he sighs into Steve’s shoulder.

And there it is. Yesterday is always 70 years ago. It’s always seven years ago. It’s always tomorrow. 

Steve sighs back. “It’s not about being a better person.”

Bucky shakes his head. “It’s just about being better.”

Thunder cracks in the distance, but there’s no rain in sight. Just an emanating reminder.

“I always think I’m getting better and then it creeps back in and I can’t deal with the guilt,” Bucky continues. “I want to be better.”

“You are better,” Steve says so delicately, so firmly that Bucky almost believes it. “You’re better than you were seven years ago. That’s a fact. You’re better than you were even just three years ago. And you know what, Buck? It’s okay if you’re not better than yesterday.”

He pulls off Bucky and looks him in the eyes. The soldier’s glisten with fresh tears and the captain’s are deep and endless.

“There’s no linear way to heal.”

Bucky thinks over the words. He thinks over getting better. He thinks time should stand still for a few centuries. So he could stay in this moment with Steve and look at their future in the distance forever.

“We’ve time traveled,” Steve laughs softly. “We’re 100 years old technically. This fog will come and go, but the way to get better is to make sure it’s easier to make it through each time.”

Bucky wipes a few tears.

“We’ll start with the things we know,” Steve says. “We know it’s hard to know what you’re feeling or why or where it comes from. We know it hurts. We know it gets better eventually.”

Bucky nods and clenches his jaw to keep from crying more. 

“We can stay inside for a month straight and watch movies. We can go see friends. We can get Sam and Tony to come by. We can go fight some bad guys. I’m with you, remember?”

“Till the end of the line,” Bucky says through the tears that refuse to be silenced. “Always,” he nods.

“Always,” Steve says back.

They inhale and exhale together.

Bucky stumbles into bed later and sleeps for 12 hours.

When he wakes, he’s still on Steve’s chest, holding him tight. Now, there’s light pouring in and the air feels cleaner. More breathable. 

Steve reads the paper and runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair. The soldier exhales deeply.

“We can go on another hike today,” he groggily hums. “If you want.”

Steve smiles. “Yeah, Buck. I’d love that.”

“Cool,” Bucky says. “But in a little bit. Just wanna be here with you.” The grogginess starts to lift ever so slightly.

“We’ll be here for as long as you’d like.”

“It might be forever.”

“Then we’ll stay here forever.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading ❤️


End file.
